


Christmas

by MrTulkinghorn



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Lights, Christmas Tree, Gen, Holidays, Horror, Interns & Internships, Night Vale, Radio, The Weather (Welcome to Night Vale)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-29
Updated: 2013-11-29
Packaged: 2018-01-02 23:23:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1062883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrTulkinghorn/pseuds/MrTulkinghorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The annual Night Vale City Hall Tree Lighting Ceremony is just hours away! This year's festivities are under New Management, and Cecil gives us the news on the changes, as well as reports on traffic, the weather, and a special message from Santa Claus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Christmas

Do you believe everything you read? The more important question is: does everything you read believe in you?

Welcome…to Night Vale.

 

( _theme music plays_ )

 

Good afternoon, listeners. If you are a longtime fan of this radio station, you know that today is one of my _absolute favorite_ days. That’s right! It is time for the annual Night Vale City Hall Tree Lighting Ceremony! Thanksgiving is safely behind us, and those of us who have survived can now begin our preparations for the most special time of year: _Christmas._

Intern Amy, on the scene at City Hall, reports that our municipal buildings, even the ones that have not mysteriously burned down, are already decked out in festive lights of reds, and greens, and tiny swirling voids. A magnificent pine tree has already been cut down and erected in the middle of Town Square, and locals are hard at work decorating the tree in time for tonight’s ceremony! Even the City Council has joined in on the fun, hanging Christmas ornaments and/or your household pets from the mighty tree.

Now, listeners, you may notice some changes to our annual celebration this year. I am told these changes are…”wonderful,” and totally…safe. Yes. And, uh, any suspicions should be…. Silenced? Yes, t’is the season for…silence, I guess?

 

( _laughs politely, and clears throat_ )

 

Um…in addition to the usual ritual dancers and chanting from local pop groups, a Christmas market will take place in Town Square. Called the “Smiles and Toys Regulated Exchange Program,” the market is sponsored by Strexcorp Synernists Inc., Night Vale’s very own megacorporation. In fact, today’s entire schedule of festivities is managed by StrexCorp.

I am obligated to report that this is in everybody’s best interests…and that the ceremony will be…”super fun.”

The market will feature rows of shops and booths that sell a variety of toys, games, and Christmas gift ideas. Highlights include a hot chocolate vendor, a life-sized gingerbread house with a real witch inside, a Smile Exchange booth where you can sell your smile for that special and rare Christmas gift your child has wanted all year, and a bloodstone circle merchant. The centerpiece of the Smiles and Toys Regulated Exchange Program is Santa’s Workshop where, I am told, Santa will make an appearance just before the Tree Lighting.

I think I will have Intern Amy scout out the market for an appropriate gift for Station Management. Boy, if you think _you_ know someone who is hard to buy for, you have no idea what it’s like trying to buy a gift for the cosmic horror who simultaneously has and is everything and nothing. Bosses, right?

Let’s go to traffic.

There are heavy delays on all major highways. The roads are just jammed up all across Night Vale. Literally! Our Eye in the Sky tells me that most of the city roads have turned into jam. Sticky, gooey, sugary jam. Apricot jam, no less. The solid, reliable tar roads inexplicably melted into their current jammy state, and cars full of weary travelers rushing home to be with their loved ones just sunk straight into the orange slime. Some areas of this delicious transformation are deeper than they appear, and the spreadable roads have already claimed the lives of 18 citizens who attempted to leave their vehicles. Authorities advise victims to remain calm and wait until rescue crews arrive…or until the roads become solid once again, because, I mean, they have to change back at some point, right? Authorities also note that if your car is slowly sinking into the fruity sludge, screaming loudly and with abandon to your absent loved ones would be appropriate and understandable. You will be missed.

 

( _a pre-recorded segment from Cecil plays_ )

 

Cold is the absence of heat. Hate is the absence of love. Chaos is the absence of order. Evil is the absence of a soul. Darkness is the absence of light. Void is the absence of anything. Silence is the absence of sound. Children are the absence of maturity. Adults are the absence of happiness. School is the absence of creativity. Fear is the absence of knowledge. Fun is the absence of fear. Dreams are the absence of reality. Reality is the absence of morality. Hope is the absence of memories. Holidays are the absence of loved ones. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but only for a time; then, absence kills the heart. Absent minds are happy minds. Absence makes the world go round. Everything is absence. Your life is fleeting. Absence is forever.

This has been our Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

 

( _live broadcast resumes_ ) 

 

Listeners, I don’t often do this, but I want to get personal with you for a minute before we move on to the news updates. I have so many wonderful memories of the Christmas season. At least, I think I do. They are all a little hazy. I remember waking up on Christmas morning, running down the stairs in my footie pajamas, and sitting underneath our Christmas tree to wait for my mom and my brother to wake up. And, oh, listeners, what a beautiful tree we had. I have always thought that the Palmer family tree was second in grandeur only to the Night Vale City Hall Tree. I would sit there, in my footie pajamas, and just… _look_ at our tree, decorated in handsome and sentimental ornaments….and I was happy.

And when my brother finally dragged my mom down the stairs, we’d both tear into our presents, while mom sipped hot cocoa and smiled at us. Or, rather, she’d stare absently through us, but that was the look she always had when she was feeling loving.

But now, these memories are just so _empty_. How many Christmases did I spend at home? Why do I remember them all the same, exact way? I feel as though I can remember only one Christmas morning, and that the memory is so distant and cold and incomplete that I am not even sure it happened.

Did I really have these experiences? Or am I just remembering the stock-standard Christmas morning, a glossed-over, misremembered story learned from books and movies and commercials – the collective dream of an entire generation that longs for a childhood that is now, irrevocably, lost?

 

( _a pause, held longer than is comfortable for a radio program_ )

 

Let’s just go to a message from our sponsors.

 

( _a pre-recorded message from Cecil plays_ )

_Unfulfilled_? Buy stuff. Work hard. Work hard to buy stuff. Buy stuff to work hard.

Unfulfilled! Your life is a monument of plastic and paper, wire and fabric, cardboard and soul.

 **Unfulfilled**. Everything you ever are or were or will be or would have been can be measured by how much stuff you buy.

UNfulFILLed?! Work. There will be no Christmas if you do not. There will be no _you_.

This message has been brought to you by Strexcorp Synernists Inc.

 

( _a tiny click as the previous track ends_ )

( _dead air_ )

 

I am sorry, dear listeners. I have been sitting here at my microphone, staring at the blinking ON AIR sign since the last segment began, trying to decide if the happiness I associate with the holidays is _real_ or if it is a forced suggestion implanted in my mind. Is _any_ happiness real…or is it all just implications and false memories that trigger chemicals in my body in order to mimic “happiness?”

 

( _a pause; Cecil sighs_ )

 

The show must go on, right?

 

( _dejectedly, absently_ )

 

As night falls over our fair city, Town Square has come to life. The Smiles and Toys Regulated Exchange Program is in full swing and every tent and booth is bustling with citizens waiting for the appearance of Santa Claus and the lighting of the Night Vale City Hall Tree.

The annual Christmas Cookie Contest has just concluded and this year’s winning recipe is for Caffeinated, Cookie-flavored Work Bars submitted by…StrexCorp Synernists Inc. The recipe, while not technically a cookie, impressed the judges with its guarantee to increase work productivity by 10% per cookie. One judge described the submission as “bland, processed, and chalky…but _productive_!” The judge went on to say "I just filed my taxes and built a new deck behind my house!" This surprise victory, of course, breaks Old Woman Josie’s 25-year winning streak in this competition with her Divine Sugar Cookies. Old Woman Josie did not submit a recipe this year and is, in fact, still missing and “safe.”

I have just received a direct order to play a special recorded message from, I am told, Santa Claus. And as I am a radio professional, I will do just that. So, I take you now to…Santa Claus.

 

( _a pre-recorded message begins to play; the voice is higher pitched than Cecil’s. Friendly. Cheery. Cloying. You can hear the smile in his voice, and it is a wide, toothy smile._ )

 

Good evening, Night Vale! This is Santa Claus bringing you all good holiday spirits for another fabulous night in the Vale! I have been making a list and checking it twice with my StrexCorp Magnifying Glass, and Night Vale is on the Nice List! Smile! Smile widely! Smile often! There is so much to smile about. My elves have been hard at work all day to bring you the Smiles and Toys Regulated Exchange Program -- almost as hard as you have been working to purchase all the wonderful things for sale at my market!

Remember, all of your hard work means _nothing_  if you don’t have something to show for it! So, if you haven’t already, head on down to the Smiles and Toys Regulated Exchange Program, and be sure to see all the safe and reliable products for which StrexCorp is known.

And to all the good little boys and girls out there, remember that on Christmas Eve, I’m going to hop on down the chimney to visit you. Just think! I’ll be in your room, standing over you while you sleep, smiling benevolently at your still, lifeless form. I’ll run a hand gently through your hair, and then check around your room for all the great StrexCorp items your parents bought for you at the market! Santa likes to see a room full of Strex, so make sure you beg your parents every day to take you down to the Christmas market. If Santa doesn’t see enough goods from StrexCorp, you might just end up on Santa’s Naughty List. And _no one_ wants to end up as coal for Christmas.

 

( _giggles_ )

 

See you soon! Merry Christmas to all and to all a –

 

( _the recording suddenly stops; Cecil speaks_ )

 

I can’t. I just can’t.

 

( _muffled noises of the microphone dropping and Cecil walking away from the desk_ )

([ _"Long Gone (Dream_](https://soundcloud.com/tom-keidel/dream-after-dream) _[after Dream)" by Model Kite](https://soundcloud.com/tom-keidel/dream-after-dream) plays_ )

 

Listeners, something _strange_ happened during the last segment. After cutting off the message from Santa Claus, two hulking security guards barged into the studio. Just as they put their massive hands on me and I feared that all was lost, a horrifying roar erupted from just outside the studio window. The scream was unlike anything I had ever heard, like great branches snapping and crunching, mixed with a sort of howling wind that is full of ice. The security guards looked at each other for a moment, released me, and then bolted from the studio just as quickly as they had entered.

Out the window, listeners, I had a clear view of Town Square. The entire market was under attack by the _trees_. It seemed as if the entire forest had come alive and trees of all shapes and sizes had uprooted themselves and marched on City Hall. With their ancient roots and sharp branches, they trampled tents and stomped on merchants. Everything, everything has been overturned, including Santa’s Workshop and the mysterious StrexCorp clock that counted down to some ominous appointment. The man portraying Santa Claus was claimed by two security officers and spirited away in the midst of the chaos. All of Town Square is now only shattered lights and shredded wrapping paper floating uselessly in the wind.

Once all had been furiously razed to the ground, the animated trees slowed. Solemnly…sadly…they approached the Night Vale City Hall Tree, which had not yet been lit. They ripped the tinsel and lights and ornaments from this tree and, as if in a funeral march, carried the pine tree above their canopies and walked back to their places in the forest.

 

( _the sound of papers shuffling)_

 

I have just received an official statement from StrexCorp concerning this disaster. I am…holding the paper, which is made of good quality cotton and has an expensive, gold-leaf letterhead at the top. I am –

Listeners, I think that I am happy that this happened. I think that I am _happy_. I think that I don’t care whether that happiness is a real thing or a fantasy. I think that I do care that the only person who makes that decision is me.

I am happy that I have Carlos— perfect Carlos—to go home to at the end of a long day. I am happy that I have this radio show. And I am happy that I have all of you, dear listeners, so I can share this happiness. I mean, if you are able to share in my happiness…then it must be at least partly real, right? And while the owners of StrexCorp are very _unhappy_ at the moment, if the sound of helicopters circling above this studio is any indication, I think we can take comfort in knowing that Christmas is just around the corner, and that happiness is never too far out of reach. 

Goodnight, Night Vale. And merry Christmas.

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome To Night Vale is a production of Commonplace Books. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of StrexCorp Santa is Kevin Free.  
> This episode’s weather was "Long Gone (Dream after Dream) by Model Kite. Find out more at https://soundcloud.com/tom-keidel/  
> Check out commonplacebooks.com for more information on this show, as well as their books on The Unused Story Ideas of H.P. Lovecraft and What It Means To Be A Grown-Up, and while you’re there, consider clicking the donate link, that would be cool of you.
> 
> Today’s proverb: when you gaze long into the abyss, sometimes the abyss falls madly, hopelessly in love with you. Mazel tov.


End file.
